This Year I Hit the big four-OH. And I’m getting worried!
In the wee small hours, I have spotted the age fairy skulking in the shadows preparing to sneakily chisel on more wrinkles and staple on grey hair when I am not looking! During the day I have to keep going out to avoid the middle-age-spread delivery. My body has decided to start packing up and plays silly beggars. I may still have my hair, but the addition of long curly locks sprouting out of my ears and from my nose aren’t welcome! Neither is having to get up 3 times a night to empty a bladder containing no more than a teaspoon full of liquid! Shop assistants have started politely asking “Can I help you SIR” instead of pointing me out to security.
My first thought was to take it gracefully and slip happily into pre-senile dementia..
The idea of waving my stick at young whippersnappers, meaning anyone younger than me (be it 40 years or 4 minutes!) and muttering how “we never behaved like that in my day” have appealed to me for a long time and I’m seriously looking forward to the day when I can do it. Although I don’t currently find cardigans appealing, and nobody’s bothered to tell me where you buy those special old man trousers (the ones that do up just bellow the nipples) and the councils refusal to issue me with a free bus pass! Seems to suggest it’s not time for this yet. Additional thoughts like smelling of wee, being mildly confused all the time and getting lost in cupboards, have their merits, but currently serve to convince me I am not ready… yet!
All this makes me want to fight back beat the age fairy into a bloody pulp and knee the next polite shop assistant in the nuts just before I steal the security guards wallet. Wearing a hoodie and muttering incoherently, like all good teenagers, calling everyone ‘doood’ appeal. My new hair growth can be hidden in a ponytail and henceforth wrinkles will be referred to as laughter lines.
So I’ve decided to have a Mid-life crisis
but now I have another problem.. What shall I do for my midlife crisis?
Having always had bikes, I can’t just go out and buy one, as surely it wouldn’t qualify as part of the midlife crisis.
An 18-year-old girlfriend is appealing but a severe beating, missing body parts, and a long stay in hospital was the result of suggesting to my current GF I trade her in for newer model and have convinced me otherwise!
A Ferrari would be nice, but I’m not ready to drive that slowly, besides. I can’t afford one.
Growing my hair, having a tattoo and dressing like an aged rock star are ALL out of the question because it’s more like a description of the past 25 years.
ANOTHER BIKE IT IS! But, what Bike?!?